the word for the day

I was going to give blogging a miss today, but I want to see if I can carry through with something for a full year. I'm pretty good at starting new things, but not so good at carrying through for any length of time, so this is a big challenge for me. And that means I blog something, even if I wish today didn't exist.

So ... the word for the day is 'instability', because, as you may have noticed, that's pretty much where I am at the moment. I had visions of this being a somewhat arty, philosophical, interesting blog, but it's about me, and you're getting the raw version. Well, not quite raw - I have no idea who might come by, I haven't attempted to make this anonymous, and I'm not prepared to totally expose my psyche. Heck - I don't try to analyse myself too much - that way madness lies. Besides, some things are just plain private.

But I can live with people knowing that I'm not always terribly stable. I can be fine for months, and then it starts unravelling. The unravelling can take hours or weeks, and it can take hours or weeks or months to knit back into 'fine'. But it's not all bad. I have been medicated on two occasions, and both times have chosen to stop, because there is a very big downside, as far as I'm concerned. That's because, along with the bad days, there are some very very good days. Very good. Medication not only ameliorates the 'down' days, it cuts off the very 'up' times. And I'm not prepared to sacrifice one for the other. I feel like I can't have the good without the bad. As with most things, there has to be a balance.

So there I am, and tomorrow I may wish I hadn't written this. I may edit, but I hope I don't. Because it's part of who I am.