loose ends

It's funny how I feel obliged to 'tie up loose ends', even though we'll only be gone for five weeks. But now we're practically down to three weeks to go, I'm madly trying to do everything so I can head off with a clear conscience (and probably severe sleep deprivation).

Consequently, I've made the decision not to take on any new work in the next few weeks. I'm concentrating on getting through the jobs that are already in progress, and practising saying 'no'. We'll see how long that lasts ...

I've also found that the closer The Big Trip gets, the more I think 'Oh - I should take that. It might come in handy.' I really want to travel light, so every time the brain goes into just-in-case mode, I need to stop and think logically: Do I really need it? If by some chance I do, is there any reason I can't just buy it there? Do I really want to lug it halfway across the world? So far, the answer has been a resounding NO! every single time. So now I'm avoiding the travel tips web sites, anything that mentions the phrase travel essentials, in fact, anything that involves travel-related stuff. Which gives me more time to research all the potential experiences. Win for my time, and win for my bank account :)

Stairs in Rome

On another note, yesterday I helped some friends move house. I love that they asked us for help, I love that my kids are old enough to be useful (and enjoyed it too, and I don't think they got in the way too much), and I love that they haven't gone too far away. But it hammered home the fact that I spend far too much time sitting on my backside in front of the computer - for work, for social interaction with busy friends, for mindless entertainment, for personal research. I certainly used some muscles yesterday that haven't been required on active service for some time! I am very glad I've booked apartments with stairs - the unavoidable exercise involved will do me a world of good, and hopefully I can keep it up when we return home. Funny - my first reaction was 'This trip is going to hurt!', but it's something I'm looking forward to in an odd way - it will wake me up physically as well as mentally.

23 days until take-off!

ten random observations

1. Holidays, especially Christmas, make me lose track of what day of the week it is, and if there's nothing in particular I need to do, and nowhere I need to be, it's lovely to sink into that cushion of timelessness.

2. Children, when 'deprived' of television, will always find something to amuse themselves. If, that is, you can withstand the intermediate period of whining.

3. Children + warm weather + water = squeals and fun. It was also observed today that two children, one armed with a water gun or similar of soapy water, and one armed with clean water, would make good window washers.

4. There is always something here to eat. It may not be a conventional dinner, but you won't starve. And you might even like it.

5. After taking a break from researching Rome, I went back to it tonight, and the pull is definitely still there.

6. It doesn't matter how much we talk and plan, sometimes we need a friend to turn up and say "Let's do it now!" to change things.

7. Moving a few pieces of furniture can be inspirational.

8. Sorting out the recycling can be a game.

9. You can breathe new life into old ideas by sharing them with someone trusted.

10. Rainwater does amazing things to plants; tap water can't compete.
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where did today go?

I managed to cross a few things off yesterday's list, but the day seemed to slip by in a bit of a blur. Might have something to do with only managing a couple of hours on the CPAP machine last night, before waking and not being able to get comfortable with it again. So I took it off, and slept, but obviously not well, as I woke with a headache and pretty much feeling like I have every day for the past six months or so, except a few nights this week.

Clearly the machine makes a difference, so I will persevere.

Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day are all shaping up to be very social occasions. It will be fun, but by the end of it I will be well and truly ready to crawl into a hole for some alone time. I'm not very good at extended socialising, and this time of year demands a lot of it. I'm going to try to throw myself into it and enjoy it, and reserve some quiet recover and recharge time where I can.

hot and bothered

And not in a good way, either.

It was hot today, and then it was hot and windy. And dusty. And my brain turned to mush - the kind where you can't remember your own phone number or your children's teachers' names.

So I did what I had to do, and not much more. And then I had a nap.

CPAP update: second night was definitely better than the first. Went to sleep much faster, and didn't panic so much when I woke early in the morning, but still took the mask off at that point. So I think it's just a matter of getting used to it. I'm feeling a bit better in the morning than I have in a long time, although I'm still tired during the day. It will take time - long term sleep deprivation can't be fixed with a few hours of decent sleep.

happy birthday grandpa!

Today would have been my maternal grandfather's 106th birthday :)

I sometimes see a glimpse of his twinkling mischievous nature in the X-man, and I think they would have been partners in crime. And he certainly wouldn't have let Miss Tizz get away with her moodiness - she would have been tickled and teased until the laughter just exploded out of her.

He was very strict with his own children, but the grandchildren were doted on. As we grew, we would be allowed to stay up a little later, and first watch the adults play a card game called 500, and then join in as we learned the rules and strategies. And grandpa would be the biggest bluffer (and sometimes outright cheater, but it was all done in good humour).

I think my kids would have loved their great-grandparent's house, with the seats on the verandah out the front to watch the world go by, the matching built-in desks in the study off the dining room for my mother and aunt, the toilet just outside the back door, the steps down to the laundry, the shed with its bins of chook food and the chook yard down the back.

The house is gone now, and so are my grandpa and grandma, and it's days like today that I remember and miss them a lot. And just in case somehow you can read this - I love you :)

no shiny thing for me (yet)

The shiny thing I referred to on Tuesday is an iPhone. I'm still resisting, but I like the idea of a small, portable item to take overseas that would enable me to blog, email, phone, store maps and info, play games (although that would be more for Miss Tizz), play music, operate as an alarm clock and an address book, backup camera, and more.

As I mentioned on Wednesday, the husband has just bought one, and I am exceedingly envious now I've had a chance to play with it, BUT I really can't justify the expense at the moment. At the moment I am inundated with bills, mostly due within the next two weeks - electricity and gas, tax, landline, broadband, children's end of term fun days, the sleep study on Monday, swimming lessons for next term, and the school book/stationery lists for next year have just arrived. There's a P&C dinner I really should attend, a couple of birthdays, and Christmas fast approaching (and even with the pared down approach, it still costs), and longer term I'm still gathering travel funds (and hoping at the very minimum to not touch what I've already saved).

So no new toy for me just yet (although I may just steal the husband's one occasionally, in order to familiarise myself with it ...). It definitely falls into the want, rather than the need, basket, so it can wait.

In other news, things are looking hopeful and positive on several fronts, including the seeds that have germinated in the wicking beds (more photos on the wild backyard). Funny how just when things feel hopeless, little pockets of new hope appear.

can't blog now ...

... being seduced by shiny things (although I haven't succumbed to temptation yet).

Back tomorrow ...

weekend plans

washing dealing with accumulated rubbish and recycling try to inspire children to clean up their rooms miraculously make meals when nobody else can see anything to eat in a full pantry and fridge washing paid work read (maybe) flick through travel brochures so they can be recycled instead of cluttering up my desk work washing empty dishwasher and fill it right back up again school fete The Bill crochet internet sleep get everyone out of bed to go to school spring fair out of town before it gets too hot come back via friend's place so we can collect some big thing that needs the trailer unload trailer encourage tired and probably cranky eldest child to do homework due in on Monday attempt more cleaning up cobble together dinner from leftovers in the fridge hound children through bath and into bed television paid work blog remember to unload and reload dishwasher collapse

why is it so?

• Why do I find it so difficult to keep the kitchen bench clear?
• Why do I invest vast sums of money into equipment/supplies etc., only to lose interest in a matter of weeks or months?
• Why do I need a looming deadline to motivate me, when pacing myself would be so much less stressful?
• Why don't I seem to have much 'stickability'?
• Why do I always underestimate the time required to complete pretty much anything?
• Why do I have such difficulty saying 'No'?
• Why, when the 'how' is clear, do I not just take the steps necessary to fix things?
• Why am I such a procrastinator?
  

not a lot of action today

Awoke with a headache, which is never a good start to the day. Got through all the usual morning dramas to hustle the children off to school on time, and the husband - bless him - brought home fresh croissants from the local bakery and made us ham, cheese & tomato croissants for breakfast. He knew I wouldn't have eaten because of the headache, but he also knows it only gets worse if I don't. I know this too, but in some academic way that doesn't actually convince me to eat unless the food is prepared and put in front of me.

Spent the rest of the day avoiding analgesics, preferring to gently whine about any noise. Gave in about 6pm - couldn't handle the pain AND having to prepare dinner. Oh, the bliss of codeine! The lightheaded feeling as the drug works through my bloodstream! The joy as the pain subsides! The tinge of hysteria combined with the relief as the tension abates! The sense of calm peace that eventuates.

Lucky I've never tried *real* drugs, hey?!

words on paper

Reading is one of my great loves. I rarely read a book twice, especially works of fiction, but I love owning books, especially reference books and large format books full of photographs. I will read almost anything, and sleep better if I read before bed.

At the moment, I'm working through the piles of unread books by my bedside, and trying (unsuccessfully) to avoid buying more. I also love buying books for others and sharing those I own.

I've recently finished 1491: The Americas Before Columbus, and I'm currently reading various travel magazines and brochures, And the ass saw the angel (Nick Cave), and The Witch of Portobello by Paulo Coelho.

the sense of smell

As I walked to the front door after being out today, I was hit by a wave of citrus blossom, strong enough to make me stop and appreciate its freshness and promise.

 The house had been closed up while we were out, and the warmth inside brought out the distinctive smell of tomato plants, growing madly in the hydroponic cabinet under lights - I'll miss the smell once they go outdoors this weekend.

And in the dining room, the heady scent of roses, cut just a few hours previously, prevailed.

My sense of smell is one I use every day, but generally take very much for granted. Today, however, I took the time to appreciate it, and I was rewarded amply.

things that irritate

I've been very irritable lately. Some small joys, some large heartaches, some madness, and in between it all lots of irritability, when I don't know quite how I want to be.

So - some things that irritate:

• inconsistency - mine and others
• not knowing
• fools doing burnouts nearby late at night
• mindless cruelty
• books so 'clever' they're unintelligible, and remind me that sometimes the emperor is naked
• the need for money, and more money
• my own inability to stop and rest - even when I'm doing 'nothing'
• too much stuff
• not being able to fix everything, even though I know some journeys require solitude
• expectations that I will always be the nurturer
• noise, constant noise
• always finding excuses not to do the things I want to do
• wasted days - if they were days for recharging, that would be wonderful, but too often I get to the close of another day with thoughts of 'if only'.

Some of these things I can work on, a few I need to detach from and allow to flow over me. Tomorrow is a fresh page.

dodgy public holiday

Here in Canberra we have a public holiday called Family and Community Day. It's only existed for a few years, and just happens to fall on Melbourne Cup Day, the first Tuesday of November.

Now, Melbourne Cup Day means nothing to me, but 'traditionally' lots of people take a day off and go to the races, and try to avoid cameras so the boss doesn't find out they didn't really have a sudden-onset self-resolving-in-24-hours case of leprosy. Either that or the workplace effectively shuts down for half the day so everyone can have lunch/afternoon tea, buy tickets in a sweep and have a chance at winning $10, and watch a horse race on television for a couple of minutes, cheering on a horse they'd never heard of until the sweep draw.

Of course, a Tuesday public holiday means ideal conditions for taking the Monday off as well, and having a four-day weekend. But no more! Next year, although we're keeping the public holiday, it's being moved to the first Monday of the spring school holidays.

Which is all a roundabout way of telling you I had a day off today. We headed to the coast, not to go to the beach, but so the husband could buy car parts, because New South Wales did NOT have a dodgy public holiday today (nah nah!). What fun! What joy! Hot hot hot Nowra - 36 degrees and windy. I was grumpy - so tired I was nodding off before we got out of Canberra about 8.30am, hot and headachey - but the kids were marvellous! They took a few toys and their Nintendo DSs, and coped with minimal whining. So we made it a round trip and headed further south to Bateman's Bay so they could have a paddle and wander along the beach collecting shells. Twelve hours later we were home again.

Next time I need to be a bit more positive, and remember that there's no reason I can't have a paddle too!

transition day

It's been an odd kind of day. Nothing in particular, just the feeling of change coming. I don't think it's a big change (that's already in process), but a small shift in energy levels. A fairly quiet day, with a little time for reading and a wee nap, a short walk with the children before dinner, a little time of sending the kids into hysterics. Feels like a rest time before a big surge of 'getting things done'.

Time for a (relatively) early night :)

shoot me now

I'm doing my tax return tonight. Having so much fun. Wish you were here (especially if you have accounting qualifications).

i wish

I wish, just for once, that when I'm working to a deadline, someone would come in and offer to start dinner.

I wish that when I ask members of this family to do something to benefit the whole family, that I wasn't made to feel like I'd just asked them to walk barefoot over hot coals to fetch me a bonbon.

I wish that some of the jobs around the house would be done without me nagging (or giving up hope and just doing them all myself).

I wish that a little was enough.

I wish that I didn't have to feel responsible for everything.

Sometimes I wish I could have an accident and end up in hospital for a while, just so I didn't have to make all the decisions. Fortunately today is not one of those days.

distraction

Oooh look! Pretty flowers!

Tuliptop Gardens, 6 October 2009