from the inside

Wow. This has all become a barrel of laughs, hasn't it? And as it's not likely to improve much today, here are ten signs that tell me this is more than just a couple of 'off' days.

1. The huge 'up' followed by a massive crash that turns into some sort of whirlpool that sucks everything down.
   
   
2. The overspending on things I don't need (or often even really want). The last time I was this bad, you had to physically go to the shops to buy stuff. This time I can shop online. It's much much worse. I am keeping it under some control by focussing on the Europe trip, but it's still a struggle.
   
   
3. The inappropriate and volatile responses to external stimuli. I'm not very sensitive to others' situations, and oversensitive myself. Things I would normally shrug off and deal with seem insurmountable. I slip from guilt to anger to crushing sadness to trying not to care at all in an attempt to protect myself. And it's all bullshit.
   
   
4. The inability to organise, make decisions, keep it all together. Normally I'm pretty good at all that. This household may look like utter chaos, but it functions ok most of the time. Right now, though, I can't even decide what to have for breakfast (and yes, it's 1.24pm at the time I'm writing this, and I haven't eaten today. I didn't even get out of bed until 11.30am, despite the kids being up at 7am and periodically jumping all over me. Thank goodness the husband can step up in a crisis).
   
   
5. The hiding from life. I don't leave the house unless I have to, and then the husband has to organise me to make it happen. And once I'm out, I spend more. When I'm here, I'm on the computer most of the time. Not doing anything useful (like work, or talking with friends) - playing daft computer games over and over. I know it's stupid, I know it's a complete waste of time, and I'm angry with myself for doing it. But still I do it.
   
   
6. The disruption to eating patterns. I go from forgetting to eat unless it's put in front of me, to eating everything I can lay my hands on, to refusing to eat because I feel ill. As for organising family meals - I can order pizza, or send the husband out for something. Or play computer games until 7pm then make something odd in 20 minutes that the kids complain about (with good reason for once).
   
   
7. The constant fatigue. So tired. So hard to get out of bed in the morning. Unable to motivate myself to do anything much, because it's all such a huge effort. Feeling like I need to lie down after a shower in the morning, because I've used up all my energy resources.
   
   
8. The lack of enthusiasm. I'm. Just. Not. Interested. Usually if I'm not interested in something, it's because I'm focussed on something else that's taking all my attention. But now I'm just vague and ... blank.
   
   
9. The irritability. Always there, just under the surface. I like to think I'm usually pretty sensible and logical, but there's nothing sensible or logical about flying off the handle about silly little things. And that's followed by guilt, and tears, and more fatigue.
   
   
10. The Bad Thoughts of giving up. Because it would make life easier for everyone else. Because it wouldn't hurt any more. Because, bizarrely, it's a way of taking control back. I don't think I would do anything - I still think it's a coward's way out. But the thoughts still lurk at the darkest times.

 Just writing it down helps a bit - self-therapy! Another time I'll go through what it's like on an 'up' cycle.